


Shattered Memories

by faith0981



Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Abusive Yashamaru, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Projecting onto Gaara, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, During Timeskip (Naruto), How Do I Tag, Hurt Gaara, Hurt/Comfort, I make Gaara's life worse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Other, Sand Siblings-centric, Serious, Sexual Abuse, Sunagakure | Hidden Sand Village, Temari and Kankuro are good siblings, The Author Regrets Everything, This is just me releasing emotions using a character I love, Trauma, Unhealthy Relationships, no beta we die like men, sorry about this, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23920525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faith0981/pseuds/faith0981
Summary: Trigger Warning! Please read the tags!“This is the only way you ever will make anybody happy.”Gaara shook his head but the thought wouldn’t leave him. All his life he has tried and failed to make anybody happy, and although part of that comes from killing nonchalantly, the sentiment still stands. The only time he had ever made anybody genuinely happy were those moments years ago, hidden away behind closed doors. As much a he wanted to smash any thought given to him by that man, the truth of the words ring throughout Gaara’s head.
Relationships: Gaara & Kankurou & Temari, Gaara & Kankurou (Naruto), Gaara & Temari (Naruto), Gaara/Yashamaru, Kankurou & Temari (Naruto)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 95





	Shattered Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Uh yeah so this is basically a way to release my own pent up emotions. I changed some things around from canon like Yashamaru's betrayal being 3 years later when Gaara was nine rather than 6. The rest should be pretty close. It takes place during the timeskip and Gaara is about 14, before he became Kazekage. This is also my first story ever so please be gentle with me and I'm not sure how "in-character" everyone is going to be. This is a serious topic so please treat it like one. Skip the italicized sections if you want to avoid the abuse. I was really debating posting this but I ultimately decided why not?(Still kinda ify but I can delete it anytime, right?) And with that I hope you enjoy my 4 am emotional break.

_“Why do I have to do this?” the man leans down close, a breath hits the shell of Gaara’s ear. Hand travel down bare skin to the small of his back. Added pressure brings him even closer to the equally bare man in front of him. A shiver racks down his spine, “because it makes me really happy Gaara-sama. Don’t you want to make me happy? You can show me how much you love me."_

_**“This is the only way you ever will make anybody happy.”** _

Pale jade eyes quickly snap open as Gaara shakes himself from the memory, still feeling the lingering touches and breath along his skin. A quick scan of the room allows him to see the same empty room he has lived in since the beginning of his genin team. Releasing a sigh, he starts stands up, _there is no way I’m going to be able to meditate now._ Every time these memories occur he feels uncomfortable and restless, as though he doesn’t quite fit in his skin. The best thing to do now would be to do something to keep him busy. Gaara starts to walk across the room, footsteps quiet as the ninja he was trained to be as he walks through the door. Travelling down the hallway, his mind starts to wander. _These memories are getting very intrusive._ The memories have always been there, right on the edge of his consciousness, but there was a disconnect. A lack of emotion connecting the past to the present. It seems as though the disconnect started to fix itself a year and a half ago, right after the Chunin Exams and failed Invasion of the Leaf. Right after meeting Naruto.

Right after he decided to form bonds with his siblings.

The past year has been very… interesting. After the initial apology towards Temari and Kankuro trust was not immediately formed. Fear was still very evident throughout both of his siblings, even if Gaara stopped threating them with death over every annoyance. It was very difficult as every shift of his sand could send both Temari and Kankuro into a defensive state. Slowly though, as months went by, the defensiveness started to fade. After multiple months without a single death or threat, both of his siblings started to see various things Gaara did that were undeniably human.

The biggest shift occurred after one of Temari’s attempted “family outings.” About 6 months after the Chunin Exams, Temari started to try and meet Gaara’s effort to bond halfway. She decided to try and get to know both of her little brothers better as neither relationship were very functional. At first the outings were just walks around the village, sometimes with Gaara, sometimes with Kankuro. Very rarely with all three siblings. Over time this too became more prevalent in the Sand Siblings lives, Gaara and Kankuro joining with increasing regularity until family walks became twice a week bonding moments. It was on one of these outings that an assassins tried his hand at killing the sand demon. It was a very quick battle that had very long lasting effects. Without fail Gaara’s sand shield rose up to protect him from the projectiles headed towards his body, just as it had done the other attempts on his life. Gaara expected this to go just the same, with a quick retaliation of sand and blood scattering through the sky. He was resigned to the fact that the villagers still viewed him with both hate and fear, calling him a monster and a demon. With these views he did not expect his sibling reaction to the attempt on his life. Within a second of his shield rising both of his siblings jumped into action. With Gaara on their team it is very easy to forget that Temari and Kankuro are both extremely competent shinobi in their own right. Both attacked the would-be assassin with very efficient and quick jutsu, leaving the man restrained and in pain on the sand. Neither failed to see the look of resignation and dejection in jade eyes.

After a quick stop disposing the assassin, the siblings headed home. Both of his siblings cornered Gaara, asking him to explain how often these assassination attempts occurred, and who would be sending them. This lead into a very emotional talk about their father, and how he ruined all of their lives in various ways, leaving a bond of mutual understanding and acceptance. There can be no bad blood between those who share pain. This opened up the siblings to a new form of ease. Temari and Kankuro stopped reacting to Gaara’s sand, jokes increased in conversations, physical affection was given more freely.

And the memories came back full force.

Shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts, Gaara continued his trek through the Sand Siblings house in search of a distraction. He entered the doorway to the kitchen and found a mountain of dishes in the sink. Neither of Gaara’s older siblings were good in the kitchen, but Temari sure tried. She could go though dish after dish trying to create something edible both of her brothers could enjoy. She has never been successful. _Obviously Temari destroyed the kitchen in an attempt at making something worthy of being called food._ His sister should leave the cooking to him. Rolling up his maroon sleeves of his long sleeve shirt, Gaara set out to clean the kitchen. He had forgone his normal ninja attire in favor of more comfortable clothes. The task probably would have been very effortless with the use of his sand, but the memory still lingered. A menial task would do wonders to block it out.

Just as he started to scrub the various dishes in the sink the front door was slammed open. Letting out a sigh, Gaara turned off the water and decided to see what was happening with his obviously distressed sibling.

“Stupid council men. Stupid meeting. So fucking what I’m the son of the late Kazekage he was never a father to me. He was never a father to any of us. I hated him and he tolerated me. Fucking hell, he even tried to kill Gaara! Like hell am I anything like him.” Gaara watched as Kankuro stormed through the house.

“Kankuro.” Gaara’s voice stopped him in his tracks. He watched as his furious sibling turned to look at him. “Are you alright?” Kankuro’s face distorted as he processed the question. “No I’m not alright! Without a Kazekage those fucking council men keep hounding me. They keep expecting me to be like our father. Asking me questions about how he would feel about things and never leaving me alone! I am done. I am pissed. Leave me the hell alone.”

Gaara watched as Kankuro turned on his heel and stomped up the stairs, inevitably heading up to his room to let off steam. _I don’t like seeing him like this._ The thought made Gaara pause. Kankuro is the most laid back of the three siblings, always willing to joke and keep spirits lifted. He was the sibling that the others would go to when in need of something to cheer them up. Seeing him with that much anger stirred something up inside Gaara. It hurt to see his brother like this. _I want to make him happy._

_**“This is the only way you ever will make anybody happy.”** _

Gaara shook his head but the thought wouldn’t leave him. All his life he has tried and failed to make anybody happy, and although part of that comes from killing nonchalantly, the sentiment still stands. The only time he had ever made anybody genuinely happy were those moments years ago, hidden away behind closed doors. As much a he wanted to smash any thought given to him by that man, the truth of the words ring throughout Gaara’s head. _Would that **help** Kankuro be happy?_

With the question prominent in his head Gaara slowly started to trek towards his brothers room. Sand rustled beneath his feet as the uncomfortable feelings started to return. _No. This is right. The least I can do is ask._ Gaara’s eyes zeroed in on his brothers door. Seemingly so far away yet entirely too close. It could have been a second or an hour by the time he stood directly in front of Kankuro’s room. With a shaking inhale Gaara took a hold of the doorknob and opened the door.

“Didn’t I tell you I wanted to be left alone,” Kankuro uttered bitterly. He was laying on his back on his bed. An arm thrown over his face hiding his eyes. Gaara cautiously stepped further into the room. With a sigh Kankuro lowered his arm and fixed his eyes on Gaara’s nervous frame. He watched as Kankuro frowned and slowly sat up opening his mouth to ask what wrong only for Gaara to cut him off,

“Kankuro… do you want me…to help make you happy?”

“What? What kind of question- I- I guess? I mean yeah, sure. If you want to little bro. I’d actually really appreciate it. Anything to get my mind off of those brainless council men. You don’t have to be nervous to offer help Gaara. I know I yelled at you but you’re not the one I’m angry at. Sorry about that.”

Gaara nods absentmindedly, as if the words didn’t fully register. After Kankuro’s confirmation his mind started to feel foggy. As if he wasn’t completely present in the moment, shoved to the corner of his head. He started to feel really hot and shaky. Taking a deep breath to steel his nerves, curling his fingers into shaking fist, Gaara starts to step closer to his brother.

“So, what are you planning on doing?” Kankuro asked as he continued to stare at Gaara. Not feeling able enough to respond to the question, Gaara decided to just show him. Taking the last couple steps towards Kankuro, he started to lower himself down to his knees.

_“Come on Gaara-sama. You don’t want me to be hurt anymore do you?” Shaking his head Gaara shakily rested his hands on the mans bare thighs. “That’s it. You’re going to make me so happy! I love you so much Gaara-sama.” Gaara lowered his mouth towards the bulging head before him. He slowly parted his lips-_

Shakily Gaara reached up and placed his hands on Kankuro’s thighs. “Gaara?” He heard his brother question nervously as Gaara slowly reached his hand towards the top of his brothers pants. _I’ll make him happy. I’ll be able to do something good for him. It’ll be over quick and Kankuro will smile at me._ Grabbing a hold of the hem, he started to pull down-

“Gaara!” Kankuro exclaimed, terror in his voice. Gaara felt hands grab both of his wrists stopping the movement. “What the hell are you doing? Why ar-are you doing- Gaara… do you even know what you were just doing?” Glancing up Gaara noticed a pale faced, terrified Kankuro staring down. _Why is he looking at me like that? He said he wanted me to make him happy._ Fog filled Gaara’s head as he shook off Kankuro’s grip. Reaching towards his own clothes, he started to take off his top layer. _Maybe he wants to have me without clothes before-_ a desperate voice stopped the thought. His shirt now littering the ground.

“Gaara! Gaara. Stop. Please just _**stop.**_ Gaara please stop.” Fog clearing from his mind Gaara finally registered the world around him. Confusion started to take hold. “Gaara… why were you…” His brother seemed as if he couldn’t get the words out. Tilting his head in confusion Gaara decided to answer the unspoken question.

“Yashamaru always said that this was the only thing I could do to make people happy.”

“Yasha- _**what? Gaara.**_ I can’t-oh my god. Why would he? That’s just- I- I need-Temari. I need to go get Temari. Just- wait here. Please. I’ll come back-this is- I can’t even- why would. Temari, right. Stay here please. I’ll-I’ll be right back.” Gaara watched as Kankuro quickly grabbed his things, rushing out the door in a panic. Soon the only sign his brother was even there was a lingering breeze.

Slowly Gaara started to rise up from his knees. The world seemed to tilt around him as he gradually made his way towards the door. Pausing when his mind finally understood what Kankuro was trying to say. _Stay here? Why is he going to grab Temari?_ Turmoil took hold of his mind. _Why did he react like that?_ Time seemed like an illusion, as if the world decided Gaara needed to be set on slow motion. A wave of discomfort suddenly assaulted his mind. He immediately felt aware of his lack of clothes, of the phantom touches. He could taste bile in the back of his mouth.

Quickly Gaara rushed to his room. Feeling immensely underdressed he rushed to his closet and found his multiple layered shinobi attire. With deftness coming from years of practice Gaara expertly pulled on and tied the clothes. Still feeling exposed and vulnerable Gaara rushed to his gourd and formed a sand shield around his body. Darkness enveloped his sight.

_“That feels so good Gaara-sama. You’re doing so good.” Gaara’s mouth as wrapped around the man in front of him. A sticky disgusting taste was assaulting his tongue. Yashamaru reached down and grabbed Gaara’s hair, pulling him further down. Gaara started to choke. “You’re making me so happy. Don’t stop.”_

The bile in his throat finally rose to the surface and Gaara leaned to the side. Heaving he threw up, still able to taste the man on his tongue. After what seemed like an eternity his body finally stopped. Disgusted, Gaara used his sand to clean up the mess he just made. Gaara leaned against the sand shields wall and brought his legs closer to his body. Loosely he hugged them to his chest. A different memory soon appeared.

_Gaara could feel the man touching his lower body. Three fingers pushing in and out, stretching a place Gaara didn’t like. It felt uncomfortable and slick but Yashamaru was very careful at making sure nothing would cause pain. Making sure his sand shield wouldn’t react. Discomfort increased as another finger was added. “You’re so tight Gaara-sama. You’re so close to making me so happy.” Gaara didn’t like it but he wanted to help Yashamaru desperately._

Arms tightened around his legs. These memories have always been so confusing to Gaara. Everything Yashamaru did to him, that he did to Yashamaru, it felt weird and uncomfortable. But they are also the only times he ever had anybody smile at him. The only time he made anybody happy. _Yashamaru was right. He had to be. These feelings have to be wrong. I’m the problem._ A flashback enveloped his mind.

_He felt so full. How could something so big fit inside? ”So good to me Gaara. So happy. I love you so much.” Warmth spread across his body. Pain that he was so desperately aware of dissipated with those words. The aching feeling in his chest was dulled. He loves me. Thighs smacked against each other as Yashamaru rolled his hips. Gaara was sitting on his lap, bouncing with every roll. The pace sped up, “Gaara-sama. So close. So good.” A different sort of warmth enveloped his lower body as Yashamaru’s hips stuttered. Gaara looked up, are you happy? Yashamaru smiled._

“Gaara,” his brothers voice brought him back to the present. Somehow he ended up laying on his side, legs clutched tightly to his chest. His sand shield reacted to discomfort and shrunk to form an even smaller sphere around him. “Gaara. Please open up.” Blinking, Gaara slowly released his legs, bringing his arms to the ground. “Gaara you and Kankuro are really freaking me out. I don’t know what’s going on.” Another voice joined his brother. _Temari._ Pushing himself up from a fetal position he cautiously lowered a section of his shield.

Light poured in from the room as Gaara looked out to see the faces of his siblings staring in at him. Kankuro was crying looking as if the world fell out from under his feet. Temari’s full of concern and bewilderment shifting in between both of her brothers. Silence took hold of the room. The three siblings stared at one another for an immeasurable amount of time.

Ultimately fed up with the lack of understanding Temari broke the silence, “what the hell is going on?” Gaara didn’t know what to say. He was still undeniably confused with the situation and the lingering memory was tearing him up inside. Kankuro looked like he couldn’t speak either.

“I tried to make Kankuro feel happy. He was hurting and I wanted to help.” Temari turned to Kankuro, a question on her lips.

The dam broke, “I came back to the house angry. The council men were hounding me again, asking me questions about what dad would have wanted. You know how angry they make me.” Temari nods. “Well when I came in Gaara came over to ask if I was alright. I snapped at him and stomped up to my room, deciding to ride out my anger until I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Soon though Gaara came up and into my room. I was going to make him leave but when I turned to look at him he looked really nervous. Before I could ask him what was wrong he asked if I “wanted him to help make me happy.”” Temari shifted her focus to Gaara, “it was a weird question but If Gaara wanted to reach out and help I figured why not? I was actually really happy that Gaara even wanted to help me in the first place. That didn’t last long.”

Gaara watched as Kankuro took a couple deep breaths. Temari’s eyes hadn’t left his yet and he made sure he wasn’t making any emotion appear on his face. After calming down some Kankuro decided to continue.

“Gaara walked over to me by the bed and started to kneel on the ground facing my legs. I was confused but I thought maybe he was going to take my shoes off and help me get comfortable. I didn’t know he was- he- It’s really hard to understand what you are thinking sometimes Gaara. I would have stopped you sooner if I knew.” Kankuro turned and focused on Gaara. He tilted his head in recognition of this statement. “Gaara put his hands on my thighs and he was shaking.” Temari’s eyes started to light up with dawning horror. “I was still confused until he reached for the top of my pants. I finally figured out what he was doing and grabbed his wrists to stop him. I asked if he knew what he was doing but it didn’t look like the question even registered in his mind. Gaara just shook my hold off of him and took off his shirt. I don’t even- I tried-” Kankuro took a breath. “I stopped him again and kept talking to him until he looked up at me. When I knew that I had his attention I asked why he would- why he- and he said-“ He trailed off.

Temari looked at Gaara with desperation, “Gaara, what did you say?” He just looked at her. “Please Gaara, answer me.” With confusion marring his features Gaara repeated the words that had such a profound effect on Kankuro, “Yashamaru always said that this was the only thing I could do to make people happy.”

A breath was quickly sucked in and Temari sank to the floor. “Yashamaru. _Uncle_ Yashamaru.” Gaara nodded. “Gaara, he died when you were _nine_ why did he- you were so _young_. What happened?”

Both his siblings were finding this information to be extremely painful Gaara noticed. He didn’t understand what was wrong. _Yashamaru was right. But why are they looking so pained?_ “I don’t understand. I was making Yasha- _Kankuro_ happy. Yashamaru showed me the only way I could do that. What did I do wrong? I can do better if you want.” Gaara lowered the rest of his sand shield and reached towards Kankuro. Kankuro flinched back, freezing Gaara in his tracks.

“NO! No, no, no, no Gaara. Stop. That isn’t how you make people happy.” _What?_ “Kankuro doesn’t want that so please stop Gaara,” Temari pleaded. He slowly backed away, lowering his arm back to the ground. “I’m confused.” His mind was rolling. Questions were coming and going too fast for Gaara to understand. His mind started to fill up with fog again, his hands start to shake.

Temari looked hesitant as she slowly opened her mouth. “Gaara… do you know what sex is?”

_“Gaara-sama, do you know what it is you do to make me happy?” Gaara looked up from where he was reading on Yashamaru’s lap. Thinking over it he slowly shook his head. “It’s called sex Gaara. It’s something that feels so good between two people who love each other. You know I love you, don’t you?” Gaara quickly nods his head, “Of course Yashamaru! You’re the only one who loves me.” Smiling Yashamaru leans his head down to kiss Gaara’s lips. His tongue coming out to enter Gaara’s mouth in a way that never failed to make him squirm with discomfort. “We have sex Gaara-sama, the only thing you can do to make me happy! The only thing you can do to make others happy. And you’re so good at it! You’re such a good boy.”_

“Gaara?” Temari’s voice breaks him out of the memory. “It’s something that two people do when they love each other. It’s what Yashamaru said I can do to make him and other people happy.” Gaara watched as his siblings faces crumbled even more with the confirmation. With tears in their eyes Temari speaks up, “do you mind if I ask a couple questions about what he did to you?” Gaara shrugged and waved his hand in the universal ‘go on’ gesture. He still felt disconnected from his body, as if he wasn’t in the room. Temari took another stuttering breath and steeled herself.

“Alright… I guess I have to ask when it started? How old were you?” Gaara paused to think it over. _I don’t know. We did it a long time before he betrayed me, it seems like we always did it._ Not finding an answer he responded with, “I don’t remember. We were always doing it. Although he didn’t start going inside me until I was seven. He said I was too small before.” He didn’t think it was possible but his siblings faces paled even further.

“He-he went- _**inside**_ you?” Kankuro said as if the very words pained him. Gaara nodded and Temari decided to continue her questions, “did- did he have you take off all your clothes and touch you?” Gaara nodded again. “Did he have you take off all his clothes and touch him?” Another nod. “did he kiss you?” a nod. “Did he have sex with you orally?” Gaara tilted his head in confusion. “Did he-put his… penis… inside your mouth.” He nods again.

“Temari… _please_ stop,” Kankuro pleaded. He looks as if he is going to be sick Gaara noted. Kankuro was crying, tears running down his face as his breathing picked up. I wanted him to be happy. Why isn’t he happy? “Kankuro don’t cry.” If anything Gaara’s words had the opposite effect as Kankuro’s tears just got harder. Temari didn’t look much better.

“Gaara… did he have anal sex- I mean. Did he stick his penis… in your… butt?” With another nod both his siblings seem to crumple in on themselves. “Gaara, you know that’s wrong right? What Unc- Yashamaru… did to you was wrong. He was wrong.” “What?” The question wasn’t quite contained within his lips. _Uncle Yashamaru was wrong. No, he couldn’t be. Nobody was ever happy until I did that with Yashamaru. But- Temari and Kankuro. Why would they says he’s wrong?_

“What he did was rape Gaara. He sexually abused you. Even if you ever said yes, an adult can’t have sex with a child. Gaara, that isn’t the only way you can make people happy. Yashamaru was wrong.” Gaara couldn’t fully wrap his mind around it, _he was wrong? What he did was wrong? These feelings I have… they’re right?_ The fog started to dissipate and the world snapped back into focus. Gaara sucked in a sharp breath and hesitantly started.

“Temari… when Yashamaru and I did… when he… raped? Raped me. I felt uncomfortable and… disgusting, but I wanted to make someone happy. I didn’t want to but… that was the only way to…” Gaara trailed off, hoping his sister would understand. “It wasn’t your fault Gaara. Those feelings? They are right. Even if you felt indifferent or hell, even if you _enjoyed_ it at the time. Whatever feelings you have are valid. You are a victim Gaara, a survivor. Yashamaru is the only one who is in the wrong.”

A ball in his chest that he didn’t even know was there released within him. Feelings he long ago bottled up and scorned raised to the surface with vengeance as the words settled on his skin. Reaching up to rub his suddenly blurry eyes Gaara felt something wet on his cheek. _I’m crying?_ Kankuro finally willed himself to speak, “Gaara, little bro, can-can I hug you?”

Not wanting his siblings to cry anymore Gaara crawled towards them. As soon as he started moving both siblings reacted and he found himself locked in a three way hug. He relaxed into the hold. “I didn’t want it,” he whispered clutching their clothes desperately, willing them to understand. Both siblings tightened their hold on him.

Everyone comforting each other with tears running down their faces. Time continued as the world moved on slowly around them but none of the siblings were willing to move from the embrace. Hours could have gone by before Kankuro quietly spoke up, “you make us happy Gaara. When you protect us with your sand, or when you make breakfast in the morning. Your expressions on your face when you’re confused or the quiet reassurance you give us when we are frustrated. Just you _living_ makes us happy. I’m so happy to have you as a brother.” “We love you Gaara,” Temari finished for Kankuro and Gaara’s world shifted. The words that have gone unsaid for years finally reached his ears. A sob reached his throat and Gaara cried, protected by the two people he held most precious in the world.


End file.
